The Violet Hour
by Not-understanding-monkeys
Summary: No one ever said love was supposed to be easy. But they never warned you just how difficult life without your Soldier would be. He was across the world, fighting a war that that had nothing to do with you. You were supposed to carry on. But how could you when the one and only thing holding you together was also the very thing tearing you apart? Bucky x Reader. ONE SHOT. COMPLETE


It was never supposed to feel like this. Falling in love.

When I imagined falling in love, it was supposed to feel like I was flying. Like nothing in the world could ever touch me. It was supposed to be kissing in the rain, dancing while bathed in the light of the refrigerator, and late nights filled with deep conversation on the existence of the universe. It was supposed to be good morning texts, and falling asleep in each other's arms. It was supposed to be happiness.

When they talk about falling in love, they never really talk about the bad stuff that could come along with it. Sure, they warn you about the fights; but they always end with the two of you back in each other's arms, apologizing for how stupid you'd been to each other. They warn you about the break up, but assure you that everything will have a happy ending and the two of you will reunite, and all will be right with the world.

But the thing they never warn you about... the thing that's the complete and utter unimaginable circumstance... the thing that can't be fixed with a simple "I'm sorry;" is death.

What happens when the person you love the most in the entire world is ripped away from you with cold, unforgiving hands? What happens when the jaws of death swallow the light from their eyes, and they're left shallow and empty? Or to be closed all together, never to shine again? What happens when the very thing that makes you whole, is also the thing tearing you apart? What then?

That's how being in love with James Buchanan Barnes has ruined my life.

Because I never know if the last time I see him is truly going to be the last. I never know if the gentle kiss he placed on my lips will fade into memory, because it cannot be renewed. I never know if the fading scent of vanilla and spearmint will linger on his things long enough to keep his memory alive after death. Will I close myself down completely so that no one in the world can ever see my light again? All because his light went out? All because I'm left in the darkness, being haunted by a shadow that will never leave me alone? All because it trails behind me like a cloud of smoke that not even the strongest wind could blow away? It would be easier to let him go. To free myself from this torment by ending things between us all together. But I can't.

Because once you love someone... it's nearly impossible to stop loving them. And while I love the wonderful moments of laughter, breakfast in bed, and watching the sunrise together, I loathe the moments when I feel alone. When I feel empty... because he's not by my side. Because I'm sleeping in a cold bed, without his warmth to keep me sane. Because I have nightmares about him never returning to my ever so longing embrace. And after years of loving him, you'd think I'd get used to it by now. But I never do. I still lie wide awake as my alarm rings in the morning, egging me on to start my day. But I don't. I stay frozen in time with the biggest knot in my stomach. Too afraid to look at my phone. Too afraid to see the alert lighting up my screen telling me I have a missed phone call. Because I'm afraid it's that call. I'm afraid it's the call that will shatter my heart into a million pieces that can never be glued back together. I'm afraid it's the call that will tell me I've lost the one real thing I've ever known in my life. And I can't move.

Those are my dreams. No, those are my _nightmares_.

I woke up in a cold sweat. And not a second later, the shriek of my alarm pierced through the air, cutting through my bone and sending goosebumps tingling through my body like a shower of sparks.

Panicking, I fumbled around on my nightstand and finally find the _'off'_ switch. I sat up and pulled my knees into my chest, trying to calm my racing heart as I felt it threatening to burst through my rib cage like a wild animal, longing to be freed. My fingers ran circles around the hot metal around my throat. My lifeline. At least for the time being.

Slowly, I lowered my legs to get a better look at the steel. I found comfort in the metal tags that were issued to Bucky during his time as a sergeant for the United States Army. I read the inscription over and over again to myself, and then out loud.

"James B. Barnes. 32557038." There was more to the inscription, but those two lines are what I repeat over and over again. Until the name no longer sounds foreign on my lips. Until the warmth of his memory calms my chilled bones and allows me to breathe again.

The light on my phone screen caught my eye, and suddenly I was right back where I started. I was paralyzed, the blood roaring so loudly in my ears, stealing my breath. Was it a missed call? A text message maybe? Is this the day that I learn my best friend will not be coming home to me? Is this the last day of the rest of my world? Is this where my entire existence stops in a single heartbeat?

Taking a shaky breath, I reached out and slid my phone off the nightstand, almost dropping it in the process. The dark curtains over my windows prevented my eyes from adjusting to the daytime sun, and I squinted at the light, momentarily blinded by the brightness of the screen. And that's when it hit me. The wave of relief as I read the text message from my sister, reminding me to get out of bed.

I laugh out loud as I set my phone back onto my nightstand. But it wasn't a humorous laugh. It was a shaky one with no real substance. It was out of relief. It was out of relief because it wasn't the call. My Bucky was alright. My Bucky was alive... for now.

I, for once, listen to my sister's advice and slid out of bed. The slight happiness I felt motivating me to move foreword. To rejoice in the small victory that I've had so early in the day. _He was okay. He was okay. He was okay._

Shrugging out of my pajamas, I slipped into the shower, welcoming its warm embrace after a night of cold sweat. I keep the dog tags on in the shower. I'm not entirely sure if I'm supposed to, but I couldn't bring myself to take them off. Like I was afraid that if I pull them away from my heart, even for a moment, that he'd slip away from me before I get a chance to realize the horror I had done.

Breakfast was lonely. A gnawing sensation clawed at my belly as I set a place for two, even though I know he won't be here. He's off somewhere on the other side of the world, saving people who can't save themselves.

I admired him and the rest of the Avengers. Even if they didn't all get along, they all had one common goal that was strong enough to out weigh their bickering and petty spats. They wanted to save the world. And they didn't care if they died doing it.

There was always something to admire in a person that would lay down there life for somebody they've never met. And as proud as I am with my Bucky for overcoming himself, despite his past, and continue to help others, no matter the risk...I can't help but wish that for once he would be selfish with himself. That for once he would do what he truly wanted.

But was I selfish for assuming that what he truly wanted was to stay with me? To sleep till noon because we didn't want to leave the warmth of each other's embrace? To grow old together in a stupid apartment with the company of no one else but each other? Was I that selfish to want him all to myself, despite all the countless lives he could be saving?

 _"I've taken so many lives, Y/N. This is the only way I can make up for what I've done," Bucky had said. His blue eyes danced back in forth in my mine as he held my hands tightly. He had this certain tone in his voice. There was sadness, but also longing. Like he was almost begging me for a sense of purpose. How could I say no to that? Did I even have that right? Of course not. But I tried anyway_.

 _"I know you feel that you somehow owe these people. That being forced to do what you did needed some kind of recompense for your sin. But it doesn't." I slid my hand up his chest and rested it on his cheek. My eyes danced with his, perfectly out of rhythm as I took in the perfect blue of his iris. "You don't owe this world a damn thing... you never did."_

 _The cold metal of his hand sent shivers down my spine as he placed it over mine. "You're still trying to talk me out of this, aren't you?"_

 _I flashed him a hopeful look. "Is it working?"_

 _He chuckled and kissed my hand. "Almost. But unfortunately not." A flash of mischief sparked in his vision and his other hand snaked around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "Did I ever tell you that I absolutely love how stubborn you are?" He nuzzled his nose into my neck and kissed it, sending goosebumps racing down my arms._

 _I relished in the moment, just for a heartbeat longer, before gently pushing him off me. I looked up at him, tears forming at the corners of eyes. "Promise me you'll come back to me?" I tried to stay strong, but I couldn't help it. My voice cracked._

 _His blue eyes, before filled with mischief, softened as they flickered around my face. Like he was memorizing every detail, afraid that he might forget it. "I promise." He placed a gentle kiss on my forehead and I closed my eyes as a tear rolled down my cheek. I kissed his metal hand and pressed it to my chest. We stayed there for what felt like an eternity. Our heartbeats clashing together in a song that was unrhythmic, but no less beautiful, before finally, he pulled away_.

 _Another tear fell as I watched him pick up his duffle bag and sling it over his shoulder._

 _"Promise me you'll come back to me," I pleaded again. It was meant to be a whisper. A quiet wish to myself. But he must've heard it because he froze in place, his hand on the open door, ready to close me away in the past to walk forward into the inevitable._

 _He dropped his duffle to the floor and walked swiftly over to me. Cupping my face in his hands, he placed a hard kiss on my mouth. Like he truly was afraid it might be our last kiss and he had to remember what my lips tasted like. His hot breath puffed against my lashes as he pulled away. He rested his forehead against mine and stared into my eyes. The world felt like it stopped spinning in that moment. Like we were frozen in time where there was no war. There was no death and there was no pain. There was just him, and there was just me. I could have stayed there for the rest of the world's existence and I wouldn't have complained. Not for one second. Because my Bucky was here with me. Because my Bucky was safe._

 _He reached under his shirt and tugged something over his neck. He slid the chain over my head and I felt the warmth of his skin in the metal. I looked down, my mouth falling open as my eyes tried to process what I was seeing. His military ID tags laid nicely across my chest._

 _I looked up at him with wide eyes and shook my head. "Your dog tags," I breathed. "I can't take these!" I pulled them over my head and gently pushed them back into his chest. "These are yours! You never take them off, I can't just–" I take a shallow breath and my jaw tightens as it catches in my throat. "Bucky, I can't," I managed to croak._

 _Bucky's lips turned up in a smile and he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. His hand reached up and lightly brushed the tear that was currently running down my face, and he wiped it on his shirt. "This is my promise to you," he said. He took both my hands and pressed his dog tags into my palm. Gently, his metal fingers curled around mine, closing my hand into a fist around the metal. "I'll be back for these, Doll. So don't lose them, okay?" He pulled my hands up to his face and placed a gentle kiss on my knuckles._

 _I sniffled and nodded at him, another_ _tear rolled its way down my face. His duffle found its way back to its rightful place on his shoulder, and again he was at doorway. His hand on the open door and he paused again. Like we were trapped in a time loop. Like he was going to drop his bag at his feet and come running back to kiss me again. But he never did. The sound of the door closing jerked me from my daydream, and I was alone._

I blinked away the memory and the smell of burning food caught my attention. "Shit!" I swore at myself and quickly turned the fire on the stove off. I looked down at my skillet and a lump formed in my throat. They were supposed to be eggs. But instead, all that remained were the charred remnants of what used to be. Who would've thought that I would relate to a couple of eggs. But the weight of the realization hit me like a tidal wave.

I slid down to the floor, my heart drumming loudly against my ribs as I choked back sobs. I tried to cry, to let it all out. I knew I'd feel better afterwards. But nothing came out but harsh, rapid breathes. My body was shaking violently and I curled my knees up to my chest. I gripped the ID tags so harshly I could feel the metal threatening to slice into my skin. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing as the pain in my chest threatened to tear me in half.

Thoughts of Bucky danced around behind my eyes. The sound of his voice echoed through my thoughts as he softly cooed words of reassurance and love in my ear. That low graveled voice he used when he was trying to be quiet sent my heart fluttering into flips of emotion. I loved his stupid voice. I loved how the stubble on his chin scratched against my skin as he nuzzled my neck. I loved when he would scoop me up in his arms and twirl me around the room like a ballerina. I loved when he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes on. I loved it when he touched me like I was a rare art piece that he didn't want to break. And I loved when he shoved me roughly against the wall like he suddenly didn't care about that. I loved James Buchanan Barnes. And nothing, not even death, could tear that love away from me.

After gathering myself, I opened my eyes to stand. But what I saw before me kept me rooted in place. He was kneeling in front of me, eyes swimming with concern. I blinked several times, afraid I might be dreaming. I hadn't heard him come in. I hadn't heard the door. I glanced to the side and saw the door sitting open, his duffle just barely inside the room.

I looked back over him as relief started to bubble up into my chest. "Bucky?" I said. It was barely above a whisper. Like I was afraid that if I talked too loud, I would wake myself up from yet another dream where I was pretending everything was alright, and that he was safe.

"Yeah, Doll," his voice matched my volume. The gravel rolled through his tone as he looked at me with tears in his eyes. "It's me."

Staring in disbelief, I pulled myself to my feet and leapt into his arms. The smell of vanilla and spearmint filled my nostrils and I inhaled the scent sharply, like it were a drug that my body had been craving.

He lifted me off my feet and spun me around the room, my legs aimlessly flying through the air. I broke out into a series of shrieks and giggles and couldn't stop, even after he put me down. Finally he silenced me with his lips and he pressed them against mine. He breath shook when he did, like he, too, was getting a drug that his body had been missing. He kissed me like nothing I had ever experienced before. And I finally felt it.

I was flying. High above the clouds like nothing could shoot me down. Like I was invincible.

When he finally pulled away, he stayed close. His forehead pressed against mine and his blue eyes danced in mine once more. His lips suddenly parted into the dopiest grin I'd ever seen and he looked down at my chest.

I laughed at him, part with confusion, and part with amusement at the stupid look on his face. "What?"

He reached down and grabbed ahold of the tags that still hung safely around my neck. His smile never faded as he again looked at me like I were the most rare and beautiful thing in existence. "I told you I'd come back for these."

I smiled and shook my head at him and kissed him again. _He was okay. He was okay. He was okay._


End file.
